SPN: 1x12 Coda
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storiesimakeupPost Date: January 17, 2006
Faith Coda
Sam slumps down next to the soda machine and waits. Tries to reconcile the man he always thought he was with the thing he's apparently become. Or maybe it's what he's always been. Sam wonders what Roy would have seen if it had been his heart he was searching instead of Dean's.
Would the heart of a selfish bastard be worth saving? Sam feels so lost sometimes, it seems like there was never a time when he wasn't filled with hate and fear and the need for revenge. No room for anything else.
He called Layla because he thought that seeing her again might make Dean feel better. Sam even likes her in a detached sort of way. But he knows that Dean didn't try to run from the Reaper. That he would have gladly given his life for hers. Because that's the kind of person Dean is.
Sam, on the other hand, would do it all over again. He would do it again, even with the full knowledge that he would be trading an innocent's life for Dean's. He would even choose if he had to. If he had to say, "Her."
Sam would do it again. He would lie, cheat, steal and kill to keep Dean alive, because Sam needs Dean. If that makes Sam a selfish bastard, he's okay with that.
If that makes him something worse, that's a price he's willing to pay.
Dean finds him a few minutes later, which means that Layla's gone.
"That was quick," Sam says, and Dean kicks him.
"Did you really think I was going do something? What kind of ass do you think I am?"
Sam smiles a little, but can't quite make it genuine.
"Hey." Dean crouches down until he's eye-level with Sam. "You didn't know, Sammy."
Sam nods and lets Dean think that it makes a difference.
Sam slumps down next to the soda machine and waits. Tries to reconcile the man he always thought he was with the thing he's apparently become. Or maybe it's what he's always been. Sam wonders what Roy would have seen if it had been his heart he was searching instead of Dean's.
Would the heart of a selfish bastard be worth saving? Sam feels so lost sometimes, it seems like there was never a time when he wasn't filled with hate and fear and the need for revenge. No room for anything else.
He called Layla because he thought that seeing her again might make Dean feel better. Sam even likes her in a detached sort of way. But he knows that Dean didn't try to run from the Reaper. That he would have gladly given his life for hers. Because that's the kind of person Dean is.
Sam, on the other hand, would do it all over again. He would do it again, even with the full knowledge that he would be trading an innocent's life for Dean's. He would even choose if he had to. If he had to say, "Her."
Sam would do it again. He would lie, cheat, steal and kill to keep Dean alive, because Sam needs Dean. If that makes Sam a selfish bastard, he's okay with that.
If that makes him something worse, that's a price he's willing to pay.
Dean finds him a few minutes later, which means that Layla's gone.
"That was quick," Sam says, and Dean kicks him.
"Did you really think I was going do something? What kind of ass do you think I am?"
Sam smiles a little, but can't quite make it genuine.
"Hey." Dean crouches down until he's eye-level with Sam. "You didn't know, Sammy."
Sam nods and lets Dean think that it makes a difference.
